.........sigh...

"It's hard to pity a fool if you get too close."

2006-07-11T10:06:00.000-07:00

some days... i feel like...

"...checked into his room, only to find Gideon's Bible..."

2006-06-09T11:19:00.000-07:00

right right...
im fine...
anyone who says different is wrong...

got a bottle of glenlivet..
trying to kill him ASAP...
anyone who wants to help is more than welcome...

ill be at the Dry Creek with a flask in my pocket trying to kill feelings...
wiss me luck :D

- rusticle

'CUT HIM IN HALF, COUNT HIS RINGS!'

2006-04-22T17:23:00.000-07:00

yes.... so....

'i should now, in about a month...'

2006-04-02T13:32:00.000-07:00

so yes...
many many, many great important things...

ha....
you all can wait...

- the Rusta-dopolous

'I don't drink beer... I shower...'

2006-03-22T23:52:00.000-08:00

so yes,
i have many amazing friends, but why? What all do i have to offer them?

im here, back in 'boy' but again, i wonder, 'why...'
sure, seeing everyone is great, but, does the inconveinance to them warrant my being here?

im broke, and i feel like a bastard...
im out of fucking options..

even though ive never been surrounded by so many friends, ive never felt so lonely in my life...
might as well through myself in front of a CATS bus...

EVERYONE...
whos first name doesnt start with S or J....
donate to the 'Keep the Rusto alive in Chico' fund...

cause otherwise im leaving here in a matter of days... and i really dont want to miss the Math...

but...

sigh, is this all really worth the fucking Drama...

- el

My Kingdom...

2006-03-06T14:37:00.000-08:00

OK...

been flakin...
but seriously...

been playing too much World of Warcraft... (lvl. 59 pally on Kalecgos)
game is bad for you.

reading alot... my mom just got a Bowflex... (yeah i know... shut up.. i tried talking her out of it.. she was 100% adamant about it.)

pretty much doing what ive always been doing.... nothing too fucking great... nothing new.
smoking more, drinking less...

but you know... 'its all your journey'
ha, fucking right...

anyway...
my kingdom for some fucking caffeine... i have a headache... you dont even fucking know...

the nature of the pensive becomes a rueful piety of those whom look for a dogma, in normal life.... or undeadness... you understand...

2006-02-14T18:34:00.000-08:00

so...
you know, shit sucks...
some doesnt...
friends rule, and i owe them 'big time'...
other not so much rulage... and you suck... 'big time'.... (HA, fuck you Tom...)

err.. when im not all jaded and sick i'll elaborate

- el

completely shmashed!

2006-01-26T01:11:00.000-08:00

k, so...
lots of shit.,..
some good, most bad...
promices and threats of visits from friends...

coming soon, new portion to this here bloggy thing....
Random Review of the Week...
wherein, I: totally berate and belittle whatever bugs the fuck out of me....

look forward to it....
its worth looking forward to, trust me....

HA!
BONG!

-el

>><<

2006-01-09T18:05:00.000-08:00

well, my grandmother is dead..
and that sucks...
fucking everything...

Making contact with old friends... Enjoy a drink now and then...

2006-01-03T02:06:00.000-08:00

I am so fucking sad lately...
Nothing means anything Anymore...

"No longer empty and frantic..."

"Like a cat, Tied to a stick..."

- el

Am Not

2005-12-28T14:28:00.000-08:00

I am....

I am not...

everything looks beautiful from far away

2005-11-23T01:33:00.000-08:00

smoke rises... ash tray
sweet air of the kindest death,
he will never quit.

alcohol makes it,
it all better, we'll fix it..
fix it all again.

things that destroy me
make me happier than ever
my vices are me.

what would i do if,
if i could really see you?
someday we might know.

hah...

matchbook!

2005-11-14T13:58:00.000-08:00

shaaa!

2005-11-05T21:58:00.000-08:00

so, uhhh....
i thought i had something to say, but obviously i was mistaken...
"shaaa, later days"

-el

long lived...

2005-11-02T16:42:00.000-08:00

Blank-it

2005-10-20T20:01:00.000-07:00

ive been kindof working out lately, the thing is, i dont strong as much as i feel fucking sore all the time, i mean, damnit... whats the point if it ain't easy.

say, you ever hear of the pillows? no? what the fuck is your damage?

there, go off and better yourself.

-el

apex

2005-10-18T22:24:00.001-07:00

so, i wore my suit today... not sure why...

people always tell me i complain alot... and seeing as how i figure im pretty fuckin good at it, i shall do it almost exclusively...

yesterday i went out to my car to grab my smokes right, i open the door and somehow bash my fuckin face in... busted my lip straight open, bled for like half an hour, plus i couldnt fuckin smoke on account i was trying to apply pressure to the inside of my damaged ass lip, so thats even more fucking grand... damnit all.
of course i couldnt give a damn for my lip, i was ultimately concerned for my teeth, i should brush more often, what the fucks wrong with me...

saw this movie on hbo last night called Elephant. whoa. i mean, i thought that footage in bowling for cloumbine was fucked and messed up...

i really really wish i could have told my dickhead boss to go fuck himself... i mean, its already fucked, its not like im putting that place on my resume anyway... hindsight..

well, i figure thats enough,

-el

turns out the pony only had one trick...

2005-10-10T05:06:00.000-07:00

ugh...
got fired...
went to chico, spent all my money...
what now?

what now...

-el

remain bound together...

2005-09-09T20:39:00.000-07:00

so, when i was driving home this afternoon, listening to the descendents, my nose caught wind of the best smell known to me.. wet asphault (but not just wet asphault, that first rain after summer wet asphault).

promptly, i pulled over, put my coat on, got out of the car, and walked up and down the street, nostrils flared.

enjoyment, bliss, a memory of time before thought.

me and my sister and my dad flying kites at my old elementary school.
easter, christmas. a million or two holidays.
the tar pits that one time when i somehow got tar on my hands.

'why cant it always be like this' i thought... and wept...

-el

but you write such pretty words....

2005-09-06T22:18:00.000-07:00

so, yes, yes... i hear this and scream...
i apologize...

im sorry i seemingly write about one thing, the fuck...
but damnit, it...

fuck that, i wont be her fucking silver medal, homie dont play that shit... yo...

im not so sure, but bright eyes may in fact, kick some mighty ass...

anyway, i thought i was in the mood to write more, but i suppose im not, lets see if alcohol can help...

ill be back

-el

god fucking damnit.

2005-08-30T20:35:00.000-07:00

so why the fuck is it i torment myself...

-el

white guys at the mall be acting all like zombies...

2005-08-21T01:28:00.000-07:00

so, today...

i worked a 9. fuck that said me...

sinbad dropped by the theatre tonight... yes, that sinbad, not that stupid fucking pirate with one eye.. the stupid fucking comedian... him and his whole entourage. the man himself bought peanut m&ms, yet i cant help but wonder, what the fuck does it mean???

went to the cowboy bar after work, got a pint, and saw the first crush i ever had (pretty much, i think), so i promptly drank the pint, got some water, drank it, smoked a dag outside,,, and left... promptly. no use trying to talk to her i figured. the bar has kareoke on friday and saturday nights, so its impossible to here yourself think, let alone have a conversation with someone you havent seen in nearly 7 or 8 years... i just figured, 'i'll just sit at the bar, looking all sad and what not, chewing on a toothpick, and possibly she'll recognize me and initiate conversation.' luckily things went well. she looked fucking great though.... damn.

some punk kid and my work said the following:
'heres my impersonation of rusty: "hi, im rusty. im 21, i like to drink. im depressed and i gamble, plus i have bad hair..." '

the funny thing about this... is this 'punk kid' sports a mullet.
at least i dont have a mullet you fuck.
i was steaming pissed off...
filled to the fucking brim (and then some) with rage...

but you know...

-el

'all hail the athiest'

2005-08-16T23:40:00.000-07:00

so yeah, a week and a half goes by, and the test just started,
i think i may not do so hot...
ahhh, fuck it, im over it at this point,
im just glad i finally gave it to her i guess...
moving on...

i went to church last sunday,

wow

people really get worked up about god...
its ridiculous really.

shit is going down at my work, boy howdy...
i dont know what the fuck is going to happen,
this shit is sketchy, i may not like it there after too long...
moving on...

im going to try to type and write less '...'
i feel that '...' is making me less innovative,
making my brain feel all... barren.

fuck.
moving on...

my throat is all rough right now, it hurts to smoke dags, but do i stop?
no, im a champ...
moving on...

-el

the 'two dollar bill butterfly' test

2005-08-04T23:27:00.000-07:00

well, either way, this is it...
ok, that aside...

damn waifous (or, 'the rev' if you would prefer...) gave me this flash program...
and i pretty much cant stop with it...

FUCKING audit'or was at my work again today,,, 3rd fucking day in a row... what a fantasticly dickish thing for him to do...
everybody is tense and on edge when hes around....

im going to watch march of the penguins tommorow, yippee.... i am excited...
penguins are sooo cute... damnit, i hate that word...

im tired, and last night and tonight my right arm feels broken...

'You've cut yourself off
I thought we agreed
No limb should be left
So severed and bleeding
What are you missing?
What are you missing?'

...fuck

-el

MUMBLER!

2005-07-15T04:04:00.000-07:00

yeah, so... saw charlie tonight...
damned good, 9/10.
depp is god.

so, im wondering to myself...
im completely attracted to this girl... physically, and intelectually...
but, do i like her as much as i thought i did?
fuck, she has such a great personality, a very, 'fuck you, fuck the world' thing going on, and i guess i fucking dig that.
what the fucking hell is wrong with me...

fuck july, and the horse she rode in on..

-el

''you're in my web now - i've come to wrap you up tight 'til it's time to bite down...''

2005-07-10T22:22:00.000-07:00

well... thats that...
at least i gave it a shot, right?
i just wish... nevermind...

anyhoo,
just picked up the ugly organ by cursive, and whooooooo boy, god damnit thats one of the finest rock albums ive ever heard...

im building up my alcohol tolerance, therefore soon i can acually hold my own at any party or bar, (hopefully)... but regardless, alcohol just passes the time...

ehhhhh, i fucking missed red robot play at serendip's last night, fuck!
i was angry...

im tired of writing this, and id rather watch space ghost, so, this will be prompt....

-el

'some melodies are like disease...'

2005-07-05T22:03:00.000-07:00

overwhelming sadness... yet perhaps even a light at this late an hour?

fuck, im a moron for even hoping.....

im so drunk, even this early... shat...

i feel so vile, deceiving all the ones i love, but, there is no other way...
beer is so bitter, but, less bitter than the sting of my heart,
if i just just drown myself, wont the pain just go away?
is this also in her gut, this feeling we must part...

ever notice how every song is about love?
where does that put someone like me, right in the smack-dab middle of loneliness...
its not above,
above all the pettiness, and romance, and love, and sadness..

- el

''space is the place''

2005-07-03T02:48:00.000-07:00

curses!

fucking curses!

i am so damn depressed right now its funny...
so laugh it up...

- el

concerning all i love and hate....

2005-07-02T03:20:00.000-07:00

so...
its been just under 2 months, and a lot of stuff has happened...

ive turned 21, fucking finally, went to vegas with my dad and waif...
(more on vegas later)

actually, sadly enough, thats almost it...
but theres this girl at my work, i really really like her... what to do...

i think im pretty sure ive received some signals,
and im about equally as positive ive sent some back...

for the last week and a half at work, ive been restraining myself from telling her how i feel about her... tonight i almost had the chance....
its just fucking tough for me to tell anyone, let alone this girl, how i actually feel, its just im a 95% introverted person when it comes to people that i dont know too well.

fucking fuck fuck fuck
i need to just tell her i really like her...
get this chicken shit crap outta the way,

fuck.

fuckity fucking fucktastic fucking fuck fuck...

- el

I wish i could have told you I...

2005-05-09T02:02:00.000-07:00

you should know what thats from, but of course, no one does, and no ones ever reads any of this shit anyhow...
but thats for the better... this is almost catharsis...

sigh.....

- el

its just that,...

2005-04-29T03:25:00.000-07:00

so, its just after 3 in the morning.
after i got off work(bout 10), i went promptly outside to smoke a dag, then back inside to scam a free ticket to kung fu hustle.
and god damnit, thats one fine flick. recommended to all.
i got outta the theatre bout, 11:45, walk into the lobby, and there are still people there... working... ha! justice.
so i was helping them out with stock, when BAM.. i am hit with brilliance.
finally, an idea, for something, for my book, boo yah
shows you...

shows all of you...

- el

woke up this afternoon with...

2005-04-27T16:03:00.000-07:00

... a funky frame of mind.
i feel a little, weird.
woke up, smoked dag, made coffee, smoked another dag, drank coffee while smoking dag, went upstairs, played hl2... but still none of this helped the feeling of emptiness, i cant help but feel i should do something worthwhile, but still... here i am...

i should read something, but i cant find republic, and the bible is starting to repeat itself a lot.
just moses tooling around in the desert, damnit, that fucker needs an asswooping.

i need more interesting fanfare, everything i have ive read, or watched, or listened too. everything is stale. like toast waiting too long for the scrape of butter. i need motivation. i need someone to call my own (not literally.. duh), again, this time i wont fuck shit up... so soon. HA, right... boo hoo for me. damnit, i need a shot and a brew, keep em coming.

i cant save any money, which is going to make Vegas a challange...
i cant afford to register my car...
i cant afford to smog my car...
damn, i cant even afford oil for my car...

sigh....

i need something.

- el

so.... uhhh

2005-04-22T17:20:00.000-07:00

lets see...
last night was the worst closing ub shift ever.

reasoning?

as follows:
MISFRAMES DAMNIT...
stupid buena vistas distribution office, DOUBLE DAMNIT (oooh, the double-d word...)
CHANGEOVER....
poster case times...
box office times...
marquee...

but on a positive note:
gong fu (kung fu hustle, baby)

so, in summation, work is a bitch, and i hate most everything...

- el

the new greatest game of all time...

2005-04-19T18:15:00.000-07:00

Half-Life 2

- nuff said

- el

never felt so alive

2005-03-17T01:21:00.000-08:00

i've been funneling hours of my life, in surprisingly supspicious ammounts, into a time-suck called neverwinter nights... fuck... i should be reading a book, or, you know... 'bettering myself' or whatever...
but god damnit, i planned on staying awake all night and making my lvl 9 wizard something of legend...
no dice.

damn.
but, on the bright side, my theatre is getting sin city this april 1st, so boo yah.
hoo ray.
fan-fucking-goddamned-tastic.
i've (depending on quality) decided on moving into my car and watching the film as many times as possible.
but thats another story.
this story...

- el

the greatest game of all time...

2005-03-13T16:08:00.000-08:00

diablo.
nuff' said.

- el

Just got back from...

2005-03-08T01:28:00.000-08:00

the theatre.
saw 'be cool'.
eh... alright i guess, awesome uma thurman t/a.
the rock, andre 3k, cedric, vaughn. all good.
john travolta was lacking, it seemed played out whenever he was on camera, which is most of the time, but all the other characters are alright.
but fuck man, it was too long, god damnit...

also, i seem to be the tetris champion, so, i challenge anyone to battle tetris... bring it.
interstate 8 is one of the best albums ever....

- el

Having just...

2005-03-06T02:27:00.000-08:00

read more sin city, i have fallen in love again.
with the insanely simple storyline dotted with quick, unforeseen violent flashes and dramatic plot twists coming out of nowhere.
with the tastefully simple, yet extremely detailed black and white imagery.
with the exquisite character development, stories interweaving, and miller's poetic prose....
the best graphic novel series of all time. lets just hope the movie wont dissapoint.

-el

i have to work tommorrow...

2005-03-03T19:57:00.000-08:00

at 11:30.
but its a sweet gig, i get to sit on my ass, and sell tickets to p.o.s. hollywood movies.
some of the stupidest people of all time want to buy tickets from me, for the stupidest movies ever... people actually pay to see son of the mask... idiots.
i feel like warning them, but the corporate office doesnt like that, they like to make people spent 7 dollars for a feeling of emptiness and loathing. if only people would realize...
no hope however, its the tap water i'll wager.

- el

Ugh

2005-03-03T16:23:00.000-08:00

ever hate everything and everyone?
well, i dont... just most everything and everyone, everone else, theyre o.k.

- el